We saw you save that guy! We'd like you to join the League of Righteousness!
I'm Necroman. Let's get started.
Great! Necroman will be here in the morning to test your hero skills!
You look ridiculous.
I think you mean 'super.'
Don't call me that again.
First test: Go hit that bee hive with this bat.
Well, the bees didn't like that. Also, they're killer bees. Also, they're chasing you. What are you going to do? Jump into the water or dive through the bushes?
Honey, you couldn't bee more right! Dense foliage makes it difficult for the bees to follow you and, though you're scratched up, you avoid a lot of stings. Carry on, survivor! But even if you’d gotten this wrong, NecroMan is obliged to use his superpower to bring you back to life.
Unfortunately, when you come up for air, the bees are still waiting and they’re ANGRY. But don't worry, Necroman's super hero power means he can resurrect you when you fail. That's why Captain Heroic sent you along with him.
You destroyed their home.
Did you think they'd just forget you were in there?
After the whole bee thing, the beach seems like a wonderful way to relax. Just look at those coconuts!
Well that wasn't even one of the tests. You should probably do something about the arterial bleeding.
You're bleeding out fast! Are you going to pack the wound with salt to cauterize it, or hold it on top of your head until you can wrap it in palm fronds to stymie the blood loss?
Your quick thinking allowed you to slow down the bleeding enough to get off the beach and back to the road, where you flagged down a car that called for an ambulance. Fortunately you get back to the beach in no time.
Lucky you've got first-aid experience to save yourself from that wild machete swinging
That's got to hurt!
You just packed salt into an open wound.
Unfortunately that does not stop the bleeding, and it kinda hurts, right? If Necroman wasn't here to save you, you would pass out and become starfish food in no time.
Oh good, you're back. The tide's coming in. Let's take a walk.
Hey, my foot's stuck.
Hey look, quicksand! And there's no one in sight! Awesome! Are you going to pull yourself out by your bootstraps or just relax, lay back, and scream for help?
Sorry, couldn't hear you, I was busy rocking out. You did great on your own though.
Good choice. Your best bet to survive quicksand is to lay on your back to evenly distribute your weight. After a while, the incoming tide will break up the sand, your feet will be free, and you can stand up and walk away.
You'd need the force it would take to lift a giraffe to get your leg out of really goopy quicksand. Instead, struggling makes you sink faster and it's not long before the pressure of the sand makes it impossible to breathe.
Just work on your tan next time.
You're lucky I'm here to save you.
That wasn't the actual test either. I haven't seen a beach this dangerous since Jaws.
Swim out and get that floatie toy.
If you say so!
Wow, a shark! A hungry, hungry shark. Are you going to grab his dorsal fin and punch him in the nose or jam your fingers into his pretty eyes?
Good job! For all their size and many, many teeth, sharks aren't actually very brave. By targeting their most sensitive areas (the eyes and gills) you can get them to question whether you're worth the trouble it would take to eat you.
Good job! But you forgot to grab the floatie toy.
A shark's nose being sensitive is a myth. You should have poked its eyes or gouged at its gills. But punching him must have kickstarted his appetite; he ate you quickly.
It was Sharknado wasn't it?
Where did you learn about sharks?
This is your stop.
A wild tornado appears! Will you run back and take shelter beneath the overpass, or get down in the ditch and hope it passes?
If only Dorothy had done the same, she'd never have left Kansas.
When the funnel cloud gets close it does a little skip over your head. It's kind of cute, as devastating natural disasters go.
Concrete doesn't stand up to tornado-force winds. Not much does. The twister makes a beeline for the overpass and your protective cover collapses on top of you.
You'd have been better off clicking your heels three times.
YOUR SCORE: 0
You have the survival skills of a MAYFLY, which is a nice way of saying you don’t have any. Unfortunately, the lifespan of a mayfly isn’t much longer than the time you spent taking this test. Worry not, there’s a positive. You have plenty of room to improve your survival skills. Captain Heroic says he’s got a spot for you in his Survival Kids day camp. Good luck.
YOUR SCORE: 1
YOUR SCORE: 2
YOUR SCORE: 3
You have the survival skills of a GUPPY! Sure, it doesn’t sound great, but every pond is a big, bad world and you do your best to get by. Captain Heroic says you don’t quite have what it takes to join the League of Righteousness, but he likes the cut of your jib. Anyhow, you reproduce pretty readily, so you know your progeny will live on. You ain’t no panda!
YOUR SCORE: 4
YOUR SCORE: 5
You have the survival skills of a ARMADILLO! Though you’re fortunate to have a strong, protective shield around your vulnerable insides, you really need to stop wandering into traffic. Sadly, you’re lacking a vital survival ability necessary to the League of Righteousness. Don’t be too upset, every office needs a hero just like you.
YOUR SCORE: 6
You have the survival skills of a ARMADILLO! Though you’re fortunate to have a strong, protective shield around your vulnerable insides, and you really need to stop wandering into traffic. Sadly, you’re lacking a vital survival ability necessary to the League of Righteousness. Don’t be too upset, every office needs a hero just like you.
You have the survival skills of a E-COLI! Congratulations, only an industrial strength antibiotic can knock you out. Well, or some well-placed bleach. Regardless, you have a survival resiliency few others possess. Captain Heroic says, “Oil up your Leatherman, Cadet, and prepare to join our ranks!” Expect news of your new superhero status to go viral!
YOUR SCORE: 7
YOUR SCORE: 8
You have the survival skills of a COCKROACH! Sure, those dinosaurs were big and mighty, but where’d that get them? You, you creepy crawler, you’re the one who had the scrappiness to survive through the ages. Expect another visit from Captain Heroic to personally hand you your League of Righteousness membership card. Great job, survivor!
YOUR SCORE: 9
You win the GOLDEN TWINKIE award! No way anybody’s shelving you anytime soon, but if they tried, you have the perfect combination of preservatives to live forever. Better head to a tailor and have your measurements taken, because you have a League of Righteousness-sanctioned hero suit heading your way. Well done, my friend, well done.
YOUR SCORE: 10
Let's do this!
Just a few more tests to go.
You did alright kid.
Am I in?
You fell through the ice and the current is strong with this one! Do you lose your cumbersome cape and swim back to shore, or try to swim back to the hole you fell into?
Your best bet is to get out the way you got in - through the hole you fell into. Even if that means swimming upstream. Good job! When freezing from the cold water you should do push-ups or jumping jacks to increase your body temperature and get blood flowing.
Well done! But you're not getting back in the car all wet like that.
Unfortunately the time you spent stripping carried you farther downstream and and before you know it your body is in shock. In fact, you find that ice is actually thicker along the shore and you can’t find a way back out.
Oooh, sorry. There's not much of a market for human popsicles.
Avalanche! Are you going to tuck and roll to keep ahead of the snow or try and backstroke your way to a tree?
Looks like you're the Ryan Lochte of the mountain! Yeah!
The best way to survive is to not get buried, which you did by "swimming" backwards and grabbing onto a tree. Good for you!
Unfortunately by the time you come to a stop you're completely buried and don't even know which way is up or down. You manage to move a hand, but as far as you can reach there's just tightly packed snow. The rescue workers have no way to find you.
This is one situation where just rolling with it does you no favors.
As the crocodile attacks, do you wrap yourself around its torso to keep clear of those jaws, or climb on its back and cover its eyes like you're playing the world's scariest game of peek-a-boo?
Can I get out now?
Sure, hoist yourself up on that log.
Who knew a kid's game would save your life one day?
Crocodiles are old. Dinosaur old. So they have a lot of instincts that don't make sense anymore. Covering its eyes calms it long enough to get your arms around its jaws. Though they can bite like nobody's business, they don't have the musculature to open their mouths with the same force they use to snap them shut.
See ya later, alligator!
Well you didn't get eaten alive. Instead, the crocodile dragged you underwater where you drowned, and then you were eaten.
Crocodiles are not the kind of animals that you can kill with kindness.
The Re-in-Car is locked and sinking quickly! You need to get out fast. Do you wail against the window with a tire iron or pull out the headrest and jab those prongs into the crevice between the window and the door?
Why are you jumping out of the car, Necroman?
Car windows are built strong, but they will still shatter if you hit the right pressure points. Which you did, and that freed you up to swim to safety!
Wow, MacGyver, way to make use of what's on hand to save the day.
Well at least I know you're not an experienced car vandal.
Since the car sinks quickly, you aren't just fighting against the strength of the window, but also the thousands of pounds of excess pressure from the water surrounding the car. It's impossible to break the window in time.
Earthquake! Run back to your cubicle to hide under your desk, or hide in your boss' corner office, where the secured shelves mean you're safe from debris?
Necroman drops you off at your office and it seems like the test is finally over until...
Finally, having a windowless cubicle comes in handy! In an earthquake you want to get away from windows and exterior walls and hide beneath something sturdy like a doorframe or a desk.
The earth moved under your feet but your nerves weren't rattled. Right on!
I was literally just trying to drop you off.
You're unluckier than a one-leaf clover.
Oh no! Since your boss' office is along the exterior of the building, it's susceptible to collapsing. Which it does, taking you down with it.